Saturday, May 12, 2007

All My Life's A Circle

Something or someone is eating the tires on my Weber Barbeque Grill. We know who the culprit is - well not specifically "who", but we are certain of the species that is partaking of this polyethylene. And unless Attorney Barry Scheck and "The Innocence Project" show up on our doorstep with irrefutable DNA results to the contrary we are going to hold them accountable to the full extent of the law - whatever that means when you're talking about squirrels.

It is pretty much an open and shut case - a "slam dunk" to use a recently discredited sports cliche.

(1) We just do not have anywhere on our property, on a full or part time basis, anyone else with either the denticles (means) or the desire (motive) to decimate and digest these disks.

(2) Mars and I have both observed the subjects of interest devouring similarly constituted "foods" (modus operandi/criminal history). In particular they seem addicted to soda bottle plastic (we use the containers as "bird" feeders), same genus, different species than the synthetic material in the wheels. They then devour the pieces of duct tape that we use to repair the aforementioned openings.

(3) It just gets worse. This morning I drove off in our Jeep Cherokee. It sputtered and jerked for a block or two before it seemed to "blow itself out". When I looked under the hood I found a pile of chewed up acorns sitting in the depression on top of the engine block. Ironically this morning's paper had a question in the Auto Advice column about keeping squirrels out from under the hood. Apparently there are electric devices that deter them. Moth balls work also - although unless you have a really strong slingshot it is difficult to imagine how they would.

It looks to me as if the little terrorists have crossed the line from harmless vandalism to premeditated acts of mayhem. And we need to react accordingly. I plan to push the legal system for the maximum punishment available - "The Hot Seat", "Old Sparky", "Gruesome Gurtie", "Yellow Mama".

Only one problem though - none of them are working. It seems that something or someone is eating the wires.

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